


The Book of the Dead

by doomtwinkie (shinysparks)



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: Abandon all hope ye who enter here, Evil Dead II/Army of Darkness crossover, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, High Ichabod Crane, I've had waaaaay too much caffeine, Ichabbie Forever, Ichabbie Holloween, Plot? What Plot?, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, mild obliteration of the fourth wall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 06:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8435854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/doomtwinkie
Summary: After the events of season 3, Ichabod runs across a strange book in the Archive, the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Evil Dead II/Army of Darkness crossover with Sleepy Hollow. I could not help myself. ;) :D

“So, explain this to me again, Jenny.” Abbie said, sitting at a table at the diner and looking quite worse for wear. She was caked in a thin layer of dust, her clothes were stained and torn and she was splattered with blood that may or may not have been hers. “I... I was dead?”

Jenny, who was sitting across the table from her, nodded her head.

“Yeah. And he was dead, too.” She told Abbie, pointing her finger over at Joe.

Joe blinked at Jenny, his mouth falling open slightly. A tiny bug flew out, causing him to jump. He mumbled a bit in shock, but ultimately said nothing.

“You don’t remember anything about Pandora or the Hidden one or the box?” Jenny asked.  
“They’re dead!” Ichabod then yelled happily, before bursting out in a fit of giggles. “Really, really dead!”

Abbie stared back at him, eyeing her fellow witness curiously. Rather than his usual 18th century attire, Ichabod wore a plain white t-shirt and a pair of gray jogging pants that were many inches too short. Instead of his usual boots, he wore a pair of rubber sandals that were also too short for his feet, along with mismatched socks. But that wasn’t the strangest part, though. Abbie noticed that he was covered in gauze and bandaids across most of his visible skin, and that more bandages were peeking out from under his clothes. His hands were both wrapped and braced to the point it looked like he had paws instead of hands; his head was wrapped in heavy bandages and part of the left side of his beard was missing. His eyes were surrounded by dark black circles, making his usual grayish-blue eyes look vivid and almost scary. And glassed over. They were _very_ glassed over.

Jenny shoved a plate of apple pie closer to him, and he stared down at it almost drunkenly.

“Eat your pie, Icky.”

Abbie watched him fumble with a spoon, trying to hold it in his heavily bandaged hands. He missed his mouth at least three times before he managed a bite. She shook her head, and then turned towards Jenny:

“I was dead, Joe was dead, Pandora and the Hidden One are dead, Crane looks like he’s been hit by a bus and yet here we all are, sitting here in a diner having pie.” Abbie said. “If there’s an explanation for all of this, I really need to hear it, Jenny.”

Jenny sighed.

“It all started when Crane found that book in the Archive...” She told her. “The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis...”


	2. Chapter 2

Read a book, they said. No harm could ever come from reading a book, they said.

As Ichabod plowed the murderous, attacking skeleton upside the head with the unholy book he’d been unfortunate enough to discover, he cursed himself for being so very stupid. It was obvious, oh-so-very-obvious, that the book he’d had the misfortune to discover was evil. The demonic looking face on the front should’ve been his first clue. The fact that the book’s cover appeared to be made out of human skin should’ve been the second. And of course, the dreadfully sinister words inside that were clearly written in blood... probably human blood...

“Yes.” He muttered to himself as another skeleton hit at him from behind, “this was truly a wondrous idea. Good show, Crane.”

It was then that his phone rang. He grabbed it from his pocket swiftly and pushed the talk button. He barely had time to say ‘hello’ before the other person started yelling.

“ICHABOD CRANE! THERE ARE ZOMBIES AND SKELETONS BEATING DOWN MY DOOR! WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Jenny screamed, causing him to wince and pull his phone away from his ear.  
“And why, pray tell, Miss Jenny, do you think I had anything to do with this?”  
“CRANE!”  
“Fair enough. I may have made an... an error, while translating a certain book.”  
“WHAT BOOK DID YOU TRANSLATE?!”  
“The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis?”  
“AND WHAT DID THE BOOK LOOK LIKE?”  
“Bound in skin, demonic face on the front...”  
“WRITTEN IN BLOOD?”  
“Very likely.”  
“IF I SURVIVE THIS I AM GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE, AND THEN I AM GOING TO SIT YOU DOWN AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH EVERY MONSTER MOVIE IN EXISTENCE UNTIL YOU LEARN WHAT A BAD IDEA IT IS TO READ FROM STRANGE, DEMONIC-LOOKING BOOKS WRITTEN IN BLOOD!”  
“Won’t that be difficult without skin?”  
“DON’T YOU DARE SASS ME RIGHT NOW, ICHABOD CRANE!” Jenny yelled, “shit, where’s my gun...”  
“Have you tried your kitchen cupboards?”  
“Smart-ass.” Jenny spat, but checked the cabinets anyway. “Oh,” she then said, “hang on, will ya?”

Ichabod heard her cock the gun, and then scream loudly: “THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK, BITCHES!”

Three gunshots came in succession, followed by silence. He heard Jenny take a deep breath.

“Alright. I’m coming over. Read even one more letter from that book, and I’ll shoot you along with the zombies.”

She didn’t wait for him to reply - not that he _could_ reply, of course. Immediately after the click, the skeleton reached over and yanked the phone out of Ichabod’s hand. It fumbled with the buttons for a moment, before leaning over and wrapping it’s bony arm around Ichabod’s body. The skeleton snapped a selfie, quickly uploaded it to Ichabod’s “instant gram,” and then tossed the phone over its shoulder. The skeleton then bit down hard on Ichabod’s shoulder. Ichabod screamed, and cursed, and flailed, and knocked over a table, sending the book and all the table’s contents flying through the air. A heavy, iron candlestick crashed against the Archive’s floor, missing Ichabod’s foot by a mere inch. He struggled against the evil dead, fighting hard and reaching downwards, fingering the candlestick. Shakily, he grabbed hold of the heavy object, yanked it upwards and clobbered the skeleton upside the head, crushing its skull.

Bones clattered to the floor, and Ichabod hit them a few times more, pounding them into dust. He sighed heavily, blood starting to seep through his coat. He dropped the candlestick, and it clattered to the floor. Groaning from his wound, he reached down and grabbed the horrible, evil book. He cradled it protectively in his arms, cursing himself for ever being foolish enough to have opened it in the first place.

_Tap... tap... tap..._

He eyed the windows of the Archive fearfully, watching as skeletal fingers appeared, poking at the glass. A skull would appear here and there, and the sounds of laughter could be heard. Creepy, bone-chilling laughter. Ichabod wiggled his fingers, and bit his lip. This was clearly not over yet.

“I... I wish... Abbie were here,” he muttered to himself, eyes tearing up, right before a bony fist crashed through the window pane...


	3. Chapter 3

“You actually keep a gun in your kitchen cabinet?” Abbie said, looking at Jenny with a raised eyebrow.  
“That’s your take away here?” Jenny asked her, “really?”  
“Well, it was either that or ask you how you’re telling a story that’s clearly from Crane’s point of view?”  
“At this point in the game, you should know better than to ask questions like that. When has anything we’ve done in the past three years made sense? For all we know, we could wake up tomorrow and the next tribulation will be upon us. And it will involve leprechauns. Leprechauns, Abbie!”  
“Are we talking lucky charms or b-rated, nineties horror movie here?” Abbie asked.  
“With these writers? Who the hell knows,” Jenny muttered quietly.  
“What?”  
“What?!” Jenny smiled innocently.  
“BOOMSTICK!” Crane exclaimed, smiling and drooling. “BOOOOOOOOOMSTICK.”

Joe grinned from ear to ear and banged on the table.

“BOOOOOOMSTICK!” He muttered, grinning at Ichabod. Another bug flew out of his mouth, but he didn’t notice.

Abbie and Jenny stared at the boys for a moment, before Jenny slapped a five dollar bill down in front of Joe.

“Go get us more pie, sweetie.” She politely ordered.  
“RRRGH.” Joe mumbled, before hopping up, money in hand.  
“More pie!” Ichabod said, giggling and smiling from ear to ear, “I might vomit.”

Abbie and Jenny stared at him for a moment, wobbling back and forth in his chair. They blinked, and then looked at each other, deciding to ignore him.

“Okay, so what happened next?” Abbie then asked...


End file.
